So, like I said on the ABOUT page, this is about sharing and getting feedback.
A few years ago (actually, more than a few) I was playing with poetic forms and dabbled with the Pantoum for a bit. While this isn’t my “best” poem, it is one of my favorite from the bunch I wrote when I was messing around with the form. Let me know what you think in the comments, or if you are feeling brave… After reading about the form HERE, write one of your own and share it.
Enjoy–
Moving Beyond
We walked, cold and slow,
Stopping from time to time.
You were saying–
“I am here for you.”
Stopping from time to time,
We looked at the stars.
“I am here for you.”
Your eyes reflected starlight.
We watched the stars.
“Go beyond your reality.”
Your eyes reflecting starlight.
“Be patient, it will work out.”
You were saying–
“Go beyond your reality.
Be patient, it will work out.”
when we walked, cold and slow.
Copyright © 2012, Tim Geoghegan
I’ve played with a few poetic forms myself, but I never considered this one. I like it, and I feel you use powerful language which definitely evokes emotion.
I feel that it is missing something though. The poem is titled moving beyond, and it feels like those being depicted in the poem actually do move on by ending with the line ‘when we walked, cold and slow’. However, I’m left at a loss as to why.
Why are they, or myself supposed to move beyond our realities? How does conflict play into that? These are questions I am left with for which I have no answers.
Overall I really enjoyed your poem.
You bring up a good point. I actually thought about changing the title when I put it in here. But then I didn’t. I also thought about the lack of resolution. There is no length limit to the pantoum, so perhaps it would be worthy to reopen this bit and give it a look. These are revision points I’ll consider in the future… Thanks for your comment.